F**k you, 2020. You’re the best.
Wow, what a year.
I mean, I’ve always thought that even-numbered years are ones of change for me, but I guess a new decade is what, ten times the usual amount?
At least this one is.
It started with having to put down my beloved dog, Blaise, after he suffered a spinal stroke over Christmas of 2019 — Black December I call it.
I didn’t even know what the hell that was until then, but it left him paralyzed in the back half of his body. He was an adorable Chihuahua/Min-Pin mix, with a personality much, much bigger than he was. I’ve never cried so hard in my adult life.
Then it was Kobe. Then it was COVID. Then it was my job.
Then it was my career.
Then it was one of the most intense breakup withdrawals I’ve ever experienced. Perhaps the worst.
If you need evidence that you can make it through an electro-shock sense of abandonment that lasted weeks, here it is. In fact, my new life direction was catapulted by the shear velocity of this experience.
I still wake up at night thinking about her.
As far as my career — I’m finally doing something that feels like purpose. And that’s fucking important.
Life Coaching
I’ve been helping guys in the 12 Step community for about five years now, and I decided to take it to a new level as a life and relationship coach for men. I’m so excited by this new path — something I’ve been thinking about before I even got sober, and it seems that the stars have lined up for me to pursue it.
A little over two years ago, another gift came in the form of a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. This made me realize that a set of patterns (called Nice Guy Syndrome), were plaguing my relationships — work, romantic, family, etc. Worst of all was how I’ve viewed myself, and thus began a mission to change a long list of negative self-beliefs.
I knew I was needy. I knew I lacked balls.
I knew I didn’t know how to date or have a relationship (i.e. taking an emotional hostage). Fortunately though I was starting to wake up, and even though it took me a few years and that breakup to realize my mission, it was 100% worth it.
No pain, no gain — sorry.
I’ve taken a couple personality tests in my time, and the first few put me in the role of Scientist or Computer Programmer (which I was for over eight years). However, as my love for writing code started to wane, I took the personality tests again. This time the results were different.
Whereas before I was an INTJ or INFJ, the new results labeled me an ENFP or ENFJ. These Myers-Briggs types are not Software Engineers. Don’t get me wrong, I still get a thrill out of building sites and apps, but right now I am thoroughly burnt out.
After researching careers with my new-found personality type, the profession of Life Coach kept popping up. I bypassed it though, telling myself “Ah…you won’t make enough money” or “Why throw away all of this tech experience and start over?”
Excuses are just lies I tell myself to keep me in my comfort zone.
It was in my weekly men’s meeting where it hit me. Due to my deep fascination with psychology and human behavior, plus my experience sponsoring guys in 12 Step programs, I decided to consider it seriously.
And when I was asking a fellow in my group about what he wanted to do with his life, I had a peak experience. I was able to ask the right questions, gain a little insight, and see a pattern that wasn’t apparent to him prior. When he lit up, so did I, and I was sold.
My plan is to run more of these men’s groups, as well as do one-on-one coaching.
Relationships
In addition to general life coaching, I’m strongly motivated to help men in their relationships as well. I’ve seen enough patterns in their issues with women, that I can more or less predict what type of dynamic they had with Mom and Dad. Particularly Mom.
Since my relationship with my parents was, well, less than ideal…I’ve acted in less than savory ways in my own romantic partnerships and in dating. So in helping others I help myself in the process.
To keep it, you've got to give it away. — Anonymous
I would also like to help couples, because there’s so much to explore in terms of communication, navigating each other’s wounds and triggers, finding intimacy, and working with attachment styles.
Most couples unconsciously engage in a love addict/love avoidant dance, repeating the same patterns they experienced in childhood. Most couples are polarized by the Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles.
Does this sound like you?
You get into a relationship, and before long do you desire to hook up an emotional hose to your partner, and do what it takes to get your “fix” 24/7? Do you lose sleep wondering if he or she will be able to meet your insatiable need for sex/love/approval/validation/unmet childhood needs?
Do you ever feel like you accept crumbs of appreciation from your partner, hoping that your self-sacrifice is working?
How about this. Do you feel such a lack of boundaries that you look to your partner to define you? Do you feel like a hermit crab without a shell, and the only way to exist in the relationship is to occupy theirs?
That’s called codependency.
Scarcity → Abundance
To move forward in this new path requires a new mode of thinking: Abundance. This requires tools — things like a daily gratitude list, widening my focus and avoiding obsession, meditating, calling friends, and surfing as much as possible.
It’s so easy for me to fall into the same negative self-talk that I’m used to, default to those well-worn neural pathways I developed as a child, and get my needs met the best way I know how — ways that don’t work as an adult.
Fuck that.
They’ve said that 2020 is the year of change — I couldn’t agree more. It’s happening with me and all around me. I think this whole situation we’re in has shown people what really matters. It’s woken us up to the fact that time is short, and to live one’s life in the gray area of mediocrity, too afraid of failure to live up to our true potential, and too stuck in our outdated programming, is not actually living.
